On Turning a Milestone

I've reached a milestone - I'm an old woman. That was my viewpoint when I was a child of when I would turn fifty. By then I would wear skirts and "old lady" clothes, like my mother. I would buy polyester blouses in large sizes, and wear sensible shoes, not sneakers. I would wear my hair short, and wouldn't have to keep my long hair out of my face in pigtails. I would have a practical outlook on life, and eschew playing. I would still laugh, but I would also reminisce about my childhood and youth, wishing I were still back in those years.

Am I old? That depends on the viewpoint one holds. I'm old in that I have probably lived more than half my life. A half century is still a half century. I'm old in that my body tells me I'm not about to learn to do cartwheels now, or have smooth baby skin like a twenty year old. But that's about it. 

Old is a state of mind. And it's not my state at the moment. I feel more liberated now than when I was younger, more than anything because when I was younger I was wary of what people thought of me. I did lose out on young adventures, and doing them now is not the same, though it's still fun. Since my father died, I have been to more concerts than in the rest of my life. Not because I can afford them (not really), but because I have more time, and no one to hold me back. I want to try new adventures, and go to new places. I don't want to stay home and tend to the garden and the house, just because that is the practical thing to do. 

I don't want to wear my mother's clothes, either. I will continue to wear jeans and shorts, and skirts will be relegated to special days (I hate the things.). I will not conform to a certain fashion, and I will wear what makes me happy. I will color my hair blue if I want, and cut it short only because it's easier to forget about it that way. I will wear the most colorful sneakers I can find, or flat shoes, or whatever is comfortable on my feet and that I like. 

I do reminisce about my childhood and youth. Everyone does. But I don't want to be young again. I would love to revisit, but it's not my home, anymore. Who wouldn't want to see their childhood street again as it was, or visit their old haunts just as they remember them? But I wouldn't want to live there again. Being fifty implies having a certain acquired wisdom that irritates young people. Youth thinks it has the command of the world, but it's still the world that has the command of it. Maturity understands that no one has command of the world, but we can have command of ourselves. 

Have I fulfilled the dreams I had in my youth? That depends. I wanted to be a teacher when I was a child, then I wanted to be a writer. Then, I didn't know what I wanted to do. Well, I am a teacher of sorts, helping kids learn English as a second language, even though not officially. And I am a writer of sorts, writing this blog, and from time to time writing for myself. I have also branched out into painting and drawing, and am learning pastel painting. But a life fulfilled doesn't necessarily mean having youthful dreams fulfilled. It means accepting life, even when it hurts, and feeling that life every day. Even on the most boring afternoons, when I just want the day to end so I can go to bed, I am alive. I can feel every little ache and pain. I can think and be bored. I can smell the different smells, and hear the different sounds. Life shouldn't be lived only for the fulfillment of dreams, but for the little, forgotten things that show we live.

The problem is that we tend to forget the present moment, and concentrate on the past and the future. There are days, when the exhiliration of planned adventures, or the expectation of good summer days, make us anticipate the future. But when the adventure appears, that exhiliration isn't there. We should live it when we feel it, and not think that it will unfold in all its beauty when the expected moment arrives. Because when the moment arrives, the feeling is different, of fulfillment, and is not as thrilling, though good in its own way. When that exhiliration hits, we should embrace it and shout it out; it deserves to be lived, not in anticipation, but in its glorious present. 

So, fifty doesn't mean I'm old, it just means I should appreciate and live life more presently, as should we all. There are still further adventures ahead of me, and new discoveries. The day we stop discovering is the day we die. That is the day we are old.